Decisions about decisions...

[myz_lilith]

Trying to differentiate between what you really want to do, and what you fee you ought to do is incredibly hard. (Especially since it often ends up expanding out into trying to figure out who you really want to be, as opposed to just who you feel you ought to be.)

Am feeling that empty itchy feeling like I need a Big Project that's Mine. Which isn't entirely surprising - I spend all of last year on Moving To London, and the first half of this year into settling in. And now? I don't know. There was a moment in a park, in the sun, last week (which I shall write up properly at some point, promise) which felt like a tipping point between London being new and shiny, and it being properly Mine... and now that it is, what shall I do with it?

And the trouble is, I don't know. More to the point, the problem with Big Projects is that the best of them begin in small, organic ways. Art begins as art begins as doodling in a margin. Epic schemes begin as offhand remarks. I am aware of this, and yet I am also aware of just how impatient I am. Life is brief. Sitting still feels wasteful.

On a more practical level, I keep vacillating over what form to aim for. Part of me thinks I'll never be happy unless I'm writing, part of me misses the artistry I had in drawing and painting and wants to recapture that, part of me misses photography and feels having a brand new city seen with fresh eyes is a fleeting chance that is already slipping away, and there's the millions of half started projects and ideas and the niggling feeling that maybe I ought to just do something completely NEW.

Silly really, but have this voice in the back of my head whispering "time is wasting, make a decision, make it NOW!" which is true in one way - but could be drowning out the very quiet little voice which probably knows what I REALLY want...

A couple of years ago, I ended up with an accidental break from work and decided I'd do absolutely nothing... at which point I immediately started writing, which was what I really wanted at the time. But right now I can't afford to take a serious block of time off, so I need to find some way to create that wide-open-to-anything zen-like state without it...

Comments

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

So much of this sounds familiar :-)

Here's a trick I've found useful, and a few other people I know: at the end of each day, you write down the thing that most made you feel good about yourself, and the thing that that most made you feel bad about yourself. Over time, you gradually try to do more of the things that make you feel good about yourself and less of the things that make you feel bad, without pushing too hard to see the big picture. If "feel good/bad about yourself" doesn't feel like the right wording, feel free to substitute some other phrase that captures an instinctive sense of whether you're heading in a good or bad direction. (You may have guessed by now that this is a secularised version of a spiritual exercise, but it really works either way, IME. There are other tricks where that came from, for when it really is crunch time and there's a decision to be made, but it doesn't really sound like that's where you are right now.) Other things that help me create that open state of mind are meditation, yoga and walking, but that's a really individual thing.

And on the form question: could you maybe experiment with multimedia works that combine all three (or four, I guess, if you count drawing and painting as separate)?

[myz-lilith.livejournal.com]

Ooh, might have to try that exercise. I did a similar thing when I was working my way out of depression - I felt overwhelmed by the weight of 'to do' lists and so instead wrote an 'I did' list at the end of each day, to remind me of how far I'd come. But this sounds far more useful for where I am now, which I guess is seeking a sense of clarity.

And yes, I think the 'must make a decision NOW!' feeling probably is a red herring - I have a sneaking suspicion that what I'm really looking for is a shortcut, which is horribly self-defeating at the best of times!

Thank you - incredibly helpful :-)

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

You're welcome - I'm glad you like the idea. (I used to post "done lists" in my journal for a while, actually, for very similar reasons to yours.)

[ms-siobhan.livejournal.com]

Decisions,decisions.... :-)

Good luck with whatever you decide to do - though would drawing up a timetable eg Mon night photography, Tues, further exploring etc help or would that be too restrictive?

[myz-lilith.livejournal.com]

It's not so much restrictive, I think it's more that that would feel like dabbling, and I feel like I need to focus on one thing and aim high. Although that may be falling for the myth that that's the only way to achieve experitise...