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Trying to differentiate between what you really want to do, and what you fee you ought to do is incredibly hard. (Especially since it often ends up expanding out into trying to figure out who you really want to be, as opposed to just who you feel you ought to be.)
Am feeling that empty itchy feeling like I need a Big Project that's Mine. Which isn't entirely surprising - I spend all of last year on Moving To London, and the first half of this year into settling in. And now? I don't know. There was a moment in a park, in the sun, last week (which I shall write up properly at some point, promise) which felt like a tipping point between London being new and shiny, and it being properly Mine... and now that it is, what shall I do with it?
And the trouble is, I don't know. More to the point, the problem with Big Projects is that the best of them begin in small, organic ways. Art begins as art begins as doodling in a margin. Epic schemes begin as offhand remarks. I am aware of this, and yet I am also aware of just how impatient I am. Life is brief. Sitting still feels wasteful.
On a more practical level, I keep vacillating over what form to aim for. Part of me thinks I'll never be happy unless I'm writing, part of me misses the artistry I had in drawing and painting and wants to recapture that, part of me misses photography and feels having a brand new city seen with fresh eyes is a fleeting chance that is already slipping away, and there's the millions of half started projects and ideas and the niggling feeling that maybe I ought to just do something completely NEW.
Silly really, but have this voice in the back of my head whispering "time is wasting, make a decision, make it NOW!" which is true in one way - but could be drowning out the very quiet little voice which probably knows what I REALLY want...
A couple of years ago, I ended up with an accidental break from work and decided I'd do absolutely nothing... at which point I immediately started writing, which was what I really wanted at the time. But right now I can't afford to take a serious block of time off, so I need to find some way to create that wide-open-to-anything zen-like state without it...
Am feeling that empty itchy feeling like I need a Big Project that's Mine. Which isn't entirely surprising - I spend all of last year on Moving To London, and the first half of this year into settling in. And now? I don't know. There was a moment in a park, in the sun, last week (which I shall write up properly at some point, promise) which felt like a tipping point between London being new and shiny, and it being properly Mine... and now that it is, what shall I do with it?
And the trouble is, I don't know. More to the point, the problem with Big Projects is that the best of them begin in small, organic ways. Art begins as art begins as doodling in a margin. Epic schemes begin as offhand remarks. I am aware of this, and yet I am also aware of just how impatient I am. Life is brief. Sitting still feels wasteful.
On a more practical level, I keep vacillating over what form to aim for. Part of me thinks I'll never be happy unless I'm writing, part of me misses the artistry I had in drawing and painting and wants to recapture that, part of me misses photography and feels having a brand new city seen with fresh eyes is a fleeting chance that is already slipping away, and there's the millions of half started projects and ideas and the niggling feeling that maybe I ought to just do something completely NEW.
Silly really, but have this voice in the back of my head whispering "time is wasting, make a decision, make it NOW!" which is true in one way - but could be drowning out the very quiet little voice which probably knows what I REALLY want...
A couple of years ago, I ended up with an accidental break from work and decided I'd do absolutely nothing... at which point I immediately started writing, which was what I really wanted at the time. But right now I can't afford to take a serious block of time off, so I need to find some way to create that wide-open-to-anything zen-like state without it...
