(no subject)

Need proper catch-up/rant/head explode at some point, but no longer trust internets at work. (They have a new monitoring system you have to log into, and while I don't honestly think they'd bother with keystroke logging or anything like that, it has made me slightly more paranoid about what I post at work, especially about work. Which is what I need to scream about right now.) And am too wiped and keyboard-phobic to write anything properly when I get home.

Have two minions working for me as of today, and while they'll be extremely useful in the long run they can also be fucking hard work, especially at the start. Especially when I could do with some breathing space to get my head round this project and how best to run it.

Oh well. The best place to juggle chainsaws is on a tightrope, right? Wish me luck...

Burning

Everything feels like it's grinding to a halt. Doesn't help that after a few epic weekends I've got nothing really planned in for this one. In theory that should be a good thing, a chance to relax, de-stress and catch up with myself. But it feels like if I don't keep the momentum sky high, I'm going to lose it completely. Need big plans, adventures, escape, total eclipse escapism. Tempted to just jump on a train somewhere. Or a plane. Or to get in the car and just keep driving until I hit the edge of something. Anything to keep moving.

At the same time, can't bring myself to book any more trips to London. Can't bring myself to sort out a new fridge. Both feel like admissions of defeat and failure. And that inertia seems to be spreading. Need to redye my hair (not only was the last dye orange, it had no staying power), buy a new wallet, do a huge pile of washing, a million and one tiny pinprick chores, and it all feels pointless. Work is insane, jobhunting is very much pushing a boulder up a mountain right now and makes me want to start screaming, and doing anything else feels like an utter waste of time.

Far too on edge today. Simple discourtesies feel like deadly insults, and basic questions are leaving me on the edge of screaming 'are you stupid?' at people. Close to meltdown.

Well aware I can't carry on like this, but don't know how to break out of it.