Burning

[myz_lilith]

Everything feels like it's grinding to a halt. Doesn't help that after a few epic weekends I've got nothing really planned in for this one. In theory that should be a good thing, a chance to relax, de-stress and catch up with myself. But it feels like if I don't keep the momentum sky high, I'm going to lose it completely. Need big plans, adventures, escape, total eclipse escapism. Tempted to just jump on a train somewhere. Or a plane. Or to get in the car and just keep driving until I hit the edge of something. Anything to keep moving.

At the same time, can't bring myself to book any more trips to London. Can't bring myself to sort out a new fridge. Both feel like admissions of defeat and failure. And that inertia seems to be spreading. Need to redye my hair (not only was the last dye orange, it had no staying power), buy a new wallet, do a huge pile of washing, a million and one tiny pinprick chores, and it all feels pointless. Work is insane, jobhunting is very much pushing a boulder up a mountain right now and makes me want to start screaming, and doing anything else feels like an utter waste of time.

Far too on edge today. Simple discourtesies feel like deadly insults, and basic questions are leaving me on the edge of screaming 'are you stupid?' at people. Close to meltdown.

Well aware I can't carry on like this, but don't know how to break out of it.

Comments

[sarah-orange.livejournal.com]

there's stuff to do this weekend but it REALLY does sound like a quiet weekend of no booze, healthy eating and long sleep might do you a world of good. don't make me come over there and gaffer tape you to the bed...

[myz-lilith.livejournal.com]

Really won't help at this precise moment. Not saying it wouldn't at some point, but if I'm quiet too long right now my brain starts to gnaw at itself from the inside. Need to find something that's epic enough to be distracting and significant enough that I won't feel guilty about taking time off the never ending job hunt, but that doesn't involve getting ridiculously drunk and doing something stupid. Writing sometimes helps but can't even do that at the moment - feels like there's a hole where the writing should be.

[sarah-orange.livejournal.com]

in that case robot party at geof and Jim's on saturday. simples.

:P

[myz-lilith.livejournal.com]

There is a robot party? Am I invited? Can I paint myself silver?

[sarah-orange.livejournal.com]

yes. I can't imagine you're *not* invited. I don't know, can you?

:P

[myz-lilith.livejournal.com]

Yes. When I'm in this kind of down mood I can very easily imagine that I'm not invited to anything, at all, ever, because why would anybody want to see me? However I shall try to smack myself round the head whenever I end up thinking like that...

[sarah-orange.livejournal.com]

the "I don't know, can you?" was actually an answer to "Can I paint myself silver?"

:D

*hits lil upside the head for good measure*

[daevid.livejournal.com]

Will echo m'lady's sentiments and agree that you do need a recharge weekend... get a few of those things you planned to do done so at least they are off the list. I know it has made me feel heaps better when getting even the most simple of chores out of the way...

Yes it sounds boring but sometimes you need the boring to make the other days more exciting :D

Am also thinking gaffer tape might not work... now where to find manacles :p

[http://users.livejournal.com/_pyromancer_/]

Random thought based on stuff I've been doing of late, but how about take yourself off to one of the not too far away stately homes (or ruins) and spend a day wandering the house and grounds and making up fantasy for your own amusement? Lie on the grass of the lawn and pretend to own the estate. Wander through the great hall addressing your servants and retainers (in your head, or out loud if you really want to scare people! :-) ), planning a feast that also includes the dismembering of your enemies and enormous purple fluffy spiders as house-guests.

It's amazing how good fresh air and being "out" can help with calming and relaxing, in a way that isn't "it's all dead now". I always find I sleep really well after a day away doing stuff too, which might help?

[samanthas.livejournal.com]

Don't know what to say 'cept hugs and that this too will pass.
Do you have any holiday to cash in? Sometimes when you have more time to play with things seem a bit less fraught.

(and at the risk of earning a girl slap, are your hormones still playing up? Work stress plus hormones always sends me mental and in the direction of wanting to quit the job / city / country /state of being in favour of something more... something. Maybe just different, sometimes).

Anyway, as far as escaping goes, I'd plan in trips to see some old friends - give the mania a purpous and you may find you relax a bit better and can slow down (old friends have magic powers here). I like botanical gardens, big parks and art galleries for recharging my batteries. You will have your own formulae - whatever make you feel better about being, just go and do it.

I'm going to Harlow Carr with Richard on Friday if you happen to be free & am generally around in Calderdale at weekends if you feel like coming out this way for a shorter train jouney than London plus hills (plus cakes. I've found the local hotspots!)

[samanthas.livejournal.com]

The other escapism that works for me is a good novel / play / film etc. Or drawing or painting or something. Put your brain in a different state somehow. Works for me (temporaty fix but still!)

[myz-lilith.livejournal.com]

I think that's the other problem. Painting and drawing are guilt-ladened right now, as I feel I ought to be creating something new and amazing for my portfolio. And there's a apace in my head where the writing should be, which scares me... hopefully it will come back soon!

[myz-lilith.livejournal.com]

I'm probably going to attempt to pub after work on Friday, but I should definitely try to get out to visit at some point soon, thank you :-)

Have had a bit of a problem with parks and hillsides and even galleries recently due to still being slightly restricted as to how much walking I can do, although that is getting better. (In fact, that's probably part of the problem - I haven't been able to get as much energetic exercise as recently, so haven't been able to take myself off for a long walk or even a long drive when I've been stressed...)