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Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
This is a difficult one to write about. Not because of any painful memories, but because I don't really have one.
I never had one of those childhood first loves. (The kind where you're five and he's six and you both grow up next door to one another and for some reason Hollywood seems to think that's enough to sustain a healthy adult long-term relationship many years later on. Although given what else Hollywood seems to think is a basis for a healthy adult long-term relationship, that one's probably got better chances than most.) But when I was five, I was a complete tomboy, and way too busy orchestrating battles between Care Bears and Star Wars figures to bother about boys, unless it was to challenge them to BMX races and swap trading cards. And besides, the boys who lived next door were all smelly and yuk.
I never had one of those high school first loves. Throughout high school I was a complete geek - shy, awkward, too brainy for words and too dumb to hide it, isolated, insecure and way too proud to take any kind of risk that may end up making me look stupid. Besides, I was convinced I was fat, boring and ugly, and that anyone talking to me was either doing so out of sympathy, or setting me up. So while I had various deep-and-longing crushes on classmates, friend's older brothers and sixth form boys (they had cars and everything!) those were always one way, and from afar, and so definitely didn't qualify as love. (Or so I thought, anyway. Found out years later from a friend that her brother did actually quite like me and thought I wasn't interested because I kept walking away mid conversation - I thought I was boring him. Oh, for a time machine to go give 16-year-old me a hefty slap around the ear.)
I never found love at University. University was when I stepped out of that school swot shell and started enjoying who I was, and making all kinds of discoveries like genuine friends and fun and wildness and attitude and silliness and adventure and drink and drugs and a vast spectrum of rock and roll and walking into rooms and staring everyone down in spite of being terrified inside because the big secret was that everyone else was doing that too. And sex. But while I fell in and out of some burning crushes and the sort of University relationships where you're going out if you sleep with someone more than three times in a row. I never had time for love. I was way too busy being me. It wasn't that I ruled it out, exactly, I just quickly figured out that I had far more fun when I wasn't in a relationship, and far more fun with people if I wasn't going out with them, so made sure I kept things that way. (I became quite adept at completely separating off the people I slept with - far too good, in fact... the last few years I've been trying to pull things back the other way.)
I have Kris, but while I love him completely, it's not that kind of love. We've never been in love, and never could be. (People have at times asked 'but couldn't you just try going out with him' and the simple answer is no - we could say we were going out, but we wouldn't actually be.) So while I'll always love him, it's more of a semi-incestuous sisterly love, and not love love. What we have is amazing, but I truly believe there's something far bigger, fiercer, stronger out there than that.
So, no first love. No true love. I've not totally ruled it out, but I do think sometimes that I'm so deeply cynical in one direction, and searingly (and strangely) romantic in the other, and so hopelessly non-committal all round that love's never going to be able to live up to what I demand of it.
(But that's another topic for another day...)
Topic list is here
This is a difficult one to write about. Not because of any painful memories, but because I don't really have one.
I never had one of those childhood first loves. (The kind where you're five and he's six and you both grow up next door to one another and for some reason Hollywood seems to think that's enough to sustain a healthy adult long-term relationship many years later on. Although given what else Hollywood seems to think is a basis for a healthy adult long-term relationship, that one's probably got better chances than most.) But when I was five, I was a complete tomboy, and way too busy orchestrating battles between Care Bears and Star Wars figures to bother about boys, unless it was to challenge them to BMX races and swap trading cards. And besides, the boys who lived next door were all smelly and yuk.
I never had one of those high school first loves. Throughout high school I was a complete geek - shy, awkward, too brainy for words and too dumb to hide it, isolated, insecure and way too proud to take any kind of risk that may end up making me look stupid. Besides, I was convinced I was fat, boring and ugly, and that anyone talking to me was either doing so out of sympathy, or setting me up. So while I had various deep-and-longing crushes on classmates, friend's older brothers and sixth form boys (they had cars and everything!) those were always one way, and from afar, and so definitely didn't qualify as love. (Or so I thought, anyway. Found out years later from a friend that her brother did actually quite like me and thought I wasn't interested because I kept walking away mid conversation - I thought I was boring him. Oh, for a time machine to go give 16-year-old me a hefty slap around the ear.)
I never found love at University. University was when I stepped out of that school swot shell and started enjoying who I was, and making all kinds of discoveries like genuine friends and fun and wildness and attitude and silliness and adventure and drink and drugs and a vast spectrum of rock and roll and walking into rooms and staring everyone down in spite of being terrified inside because the big secret was that everyone else was doing that too. And sex. But while I fell in and out of some burning crushes and the sort of University relationships where you're going out if you sleep with someone more than three times in a row. I never had time for love. I was way too busy being me. It wasn't that I ruled it out, exactly, I just quickly figured out that I had far more fun when I wasn't in a relationship, and far more fun with people if I wasn't going out with them, so made sure I kept things that way. (I became quite adept at completely separating off the people I slept with - far too good, in fact... the last few years I've been trying to pull things back the other way.)
I have Kris, but while I love him completely, it's not that kind of love. We've never been in love, and never could be. (People have at times asked 'but couldn't you just try going out with him' and the simple answer is no - we could say we were going out, but we wouldn't actually be.) So while I'll always love him, it's more of a semi-incestuous sisterly love, and not love love. What we have is amazing, but I truly believe there's something far bigger, fiercer, stronger out there than that.
So, no first love. No true love. I've not totally ruled it out, but I do think sometimes that I'm so deeply cynical in one direction, and searingly (and strangely) romantic in the other, and so hopelessly non-committal all round that love's never going to be able to live up to what I demand of it.
(But that's another topic for another day...)
Topic list is here
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On the other hand, ~everything~ makes more sense after four bottles of wine, at the time...