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So, this lunchtime I had to venture out and risk certain death on the treacherous icy pavements of Leeds city centre. (It was an emergency. I've run out of hairdye.) And I'm absolutely petrified of falling on ice. I don't know why.
I can cope with other kinds of slippery with only mild trepidation, but the slightest hint of ice, and I start inching along at the speed of an arthritic snail, clinging desperately to railings, walls and surprised passers by, absolutely convinced that any second I'm going to go flying.
Even wearing great big stompy boots with all the grip in the world, I was still being overtaken by little old ladies on walking frames, who would sweep past with a disdainful glance as I stood holding onto a drainpipe for dear life and desperately searching for the next tiny ice-free patch of pavement to aim for. Okay so I made it back with my body undamaged (and, more importantly with a couple of red hairdyes AND some bonus over-the-knee socks) but with my dignity very badly bruised indeed.
The thing is, I do still very much love snow, and winter, and even the cold - we just need to do away with icy pavements. Now. Please?
Impossible, you say? You know where they have vast amounts of snow and ice but completely clear pavements? Rekjavik. I think we could learn a thing or two from them. Admittedly they have a few more volcanoes lying around than we do, but excuses like that are just plain laziness.
I therefore propose that the UK embark on an ambition volcano-building program. Not only would this save the taxpayer millions in ice-related falls, and create untold opportunities for geothermal energy production, it would also open up the highly lucrative Evil Overlord market in which we are woefully under-represented. (Unfortunately a 'nice little cottage in Wales' doesn't really cut it in the Fortress of Doom stakes, especially when it doesn't even come with broadband.)
In the meantime, I think somebody should get their act together ASAP and invent shoes with self-heating soles. Not only would this mean that you can stride out across the icy plains of Leeds knowing that your path will be melted clear as you walk, and that your feet would stay toasty warm, but you could also turn them right up to leave a trail of flaming footprints behind you - ideal for dramatic get aways! (You'd just need to remember to turn them off before going into your house.)
If you can have them ready for tomorrow morning that would be handy, as I am going to have to venture out ~again~ at lunchtime tomorrow to get my nails done.
As it is I think my exploration of London may be limited to anything within 100 (extremely well gritted yards of a tube station. Or possibly 'anywhere with an open fire'.
I may also ~have~ to turn up to stupidly posh restaurant in big stompy boots, even if I do have to take girlie shoes with me in a bag to change into. There's nothing in the dress code about broken necks - I've checked.
And that's assuming the trains don't just give up entirely by tomorrow evening. Does anyone knw where I can hire a dog sleigh team? Or failing that, some kind of Russian ice-breaking vessel?
I can cope with other kinds of slippery with only mild trepidation, but the slightest hint of ice, and I start inching along at the speed of an arthritic snail, clinging desperately to railings, walls and surprised passers by, absolutely convinced that any second I'm going to go flying.
Even wearing great big stompy boots with all the grip in the world, I was still being overtaken by little old ladies on walking frames, who would sweep past with a disdainful glance as I stood holding onto a drainpipe for dear life and desperately searching for the next tiny ice-free patch of pavement to aim for. Okay so I made it back with my body undamaged (and, more importantly with a couple of red hairdyes AND some bonus over-the-knee socks) but with my dignity very badly bruised indeed.
The thing is, I do still very much love snow, and winter, and even the cold - we just need to do away with icy pavements. Now. Please?
Impossible, you say? You know where they have vast amounts of snow and ice but completely clear pavements? Rekjavik. I think we could learn a thing or two from them. Admittedly they have a few more volcanoes lying around than we do, but excuses like that are just plain laziness.
I therefore propose that the UK embark on an ambition volcano-building program. Not only would this save the taxpayer millions in ice-related falls, and create untold opportunities for geothermal energy production, it would also open up the highly lucrative Evil Overlord market in which we are woefully under-represented. (Unfortunately a 'nice little cottage in Wales' doesn't really cut it in the Fortress of Doom stakes, especially when it doesn't even come with broadband.)
In the meantime, I think somebody should get their act together ASAP and invent shoes with self-heating soles. Not only would this mean that you can stride out across the icy plains of Leeds knowing that your path will be melted clear as you walk, and that your feet would stay toasty warm, but you could also turn them right up to leave a trail of flaming footprints behind you - ideal for dramatic get aways! (You'd just need to remember to turn them off before going into your house.)
If you can have them ready for tomorrow morning that would be handy, as I am going to have to venture out ~again~ at lunchtime tomorrow to get my nails done.
As it is I think my exploration of London may be limited to anything within 100 (extremely well gritted yards of a tube station. Or possibly 'anywhere with an open fire'.
I may also ~have~ to turn up to stupidly posh restaurant in big stompy boots, even if I do have to take girlie shoes with me in a bag to change into. There's nothing in the dress code about broken necks - I've checked.
And that's assuming the trains don't just give up entirely by tomorrow evening. Does anyone knw where I can hire a dog sleigh team? Or failing that, some kind of Russian ice-breaking vessel?
