Bugger.

Just lost my job at the magazine again. (Financial difficulties, this being the slow time of year, and us in Production just being too damn good and finishing putting magazines together in half the time...) It's not the end of the world right now, but it sure is shitty timing - just before Christmas when the job market is slow, and just before Kris's contract comes to an end as well - so I am more than a little... blah.

I am also slightly bitter, because a year ago they took on a junior in the Production Department, and at the time I was promised that if there were any rocky patches, it certainly wouldn't be me that went. But I could see this coming, and not just because the new guy is full time where I opted to remain part time. Thing is, he's perfectly capable of churning out pages based on existing templates, but not so hot at original design. (He's only fresh out of college so this may change, but right now he's more of an artworker than a designer.) But right now, they need a donkey-work-er more than a second designer. Especially since I finished all the redesigns needed and set up a bunch of templates that anyone can use to just churn out pages. Bah. Also I get the impression that the probably pay him the same for working full time that they paid me for just 3 days a week.

But. Well, as some of you know I have been thinking for a while about moving on. After all, if you're sick of being treated differently for being part time, then maybe it's time to ditch the freelance and go for a full time position. And when you get an annual review and are told "We are aware that you are doing the work of a senior designer - but we already have a head designer and as a small company don't need two and can't afford to pay you senior designer wages"... well, then you start thinking that maybe it's time to go somewhere that DOES need a heavyweight designer and is happy to pay for one. (Not to mention the reason the guy I worked alongside originally got promoted to Senior Designer ahead of me in the first place was... you guessed it... he was full time and I was part time.)

So I've been kind of meandering towards leaving without ever actually getting there in any kind of meaningful way. Hopefully this will now make me get my arse in gear and start things happening... I'd rather have been in a job while looking for one, but I do work better when faced with urgency and deadlines...

More importantly, I think I'm in a far better place this time round than when it happened before. Last time that the magazine hit a rocky patch and I was let go, it really rocked my confidence - looking back, the management at the time were terrible and the head designer was a mess, always interfering with perfectly good work and telling us we weren't good enough... our work was judged purely on how rigidly it stuck to a bunch of outdated design guidelines - even if that made the page unreadable - because she didn't have the design ability to work without them. So even though I knew they had had to let me go because they were damned near broke, there was still a large part of me felt it was that I wasn't good enough. This time, I'm going out on a high. While Andy was technically head designer, we were pretty much working on a par for the past year and a half, and I was advising him as much as he was advising me. Everything I produce goes into the magazine pretty much as I laid it out, it's my designs and ideas that make pages work. And there's some large chunks of magazine that I personally rebranded and redesigned from scratch that now look a million times better, and which have been getting highly praised both in the office and at trade shows. Plus the current editor is the guy who used to write the funny column that I did the illustrations for, and has always shown a real appreciation for my work so I'm sure I'm going to get a great reference from him - he all but told me I was wasted in the role I had there.

Oh, and they do want me back in on a freelance basis if at all possible in February when stuff traditionally picks up again. And I'm pretty sure they're very serious about that and not just talking nice. They even asked if I might be able to fit in some work somewhere even if I am full time elsewhere at that point! (highly unlikely that I would but still, it's nice to be asked...) To be honest, I am hoping that even if I'm freelancing then, it'll be at the kind of level where they won't be able to afford me. But you never know. Things might not be going as well as I'd like and I'll turn out to be grateful for the extra work. And even if I do have plenty of freelance stuff on, I may try to squeeze in a few days for them somewhere, just because I like the people there. Or even if I have a permanent position somewhere by then, then as long as there's no conflict of interest I might even find it's something I can do over a weekend or two for a bit of extra cash. Anyway, I've left that all open for now... but I certainly wouldn't ever be going back properly again. Definitely the end of an era.

In lieu of working a full months notice, I'm leaving now but being paid up to the end of the month. (I could have fought for the month, I would most likely have ended up with a couple of weeks extra pay, but I would have to work through for that losing time I could be jobhunting, and it would mean sacrificing good will that might be a lot more valuable in the long run.) They're happy for me to go in Monday and PDF whatever pages and adverts I like for my own portfolio, which is good. (To be honest I've already taken home most of what I need, over the past few months, but it'll be good to go in and make sure I have everything - and to clear out anything that's mine, from cups to the original sketches for illustrations.) And also on the plus side, I'm still welcome along for free booze'n'foods at the Christmas party, so I can say some proper goodbyes then.

Still, while it's not 100% unexpected as I know the financial problems they've been having, it is a bit of a shock - it's like when you're trying to find a nice way to leave someone only to have them turn round and dump you while you're still trying to think of the words. And I was really hoping to find a new job while still working at this one. It is likely to be a miserable time of very little money for the next couple of months, especially as I want to try to avoid signing on unless I absolutely have to. So while I am mostly feeling fairly positive and determined, I am still having the odd moment where I feel like bursting into tears... or punching a wall.

My parents are coming over tomorrow (not specially, they'd booked in a hotel over here for a mini break and the timing matched up) so they're going to help me polish my CV, and update my portfolio (I haven't touched it for nearly three years, so I have to figure out what stuff should be replaced - not easy cos I have a soft spot for a lot of my earlier design work - and what out of the pile of the past 3 years' worth of stuff needs to go in.) Then it's out to blitz the freelance and full time agencies.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!