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Bad dreams again... but at least tonight I think I've worked out why.
Already had one scarily physical flashback. Hopefully after New Year things will be better.
(For anyone interested who doesn't know, spent the first part of last year suffering from a very nasty syndrome that left me unable to move and in constant pain. My abiding memory of last New Year's Eve is sobbing on my bed half an hour before I was supposed to be going out as my joints were always aching and I had these weird swellings appearing everywhere and I was obviously going to die of the lurgy so what the hell was I going to go out and celebrate? My residing memory of New Year's Day was being sat in a chair all day in screaming agony. The day after that was the doctors where they told me that the good new was they recognised it, the bad news was it was kind of nasty, the good news that it would go away by itself, the bad news that I had a couple of months of hell before that happened)
I know logically that it can't come back (it's not that kind of thing... well not unless lightening strikes twice, which I have to mention as I fear Dame Fate and her awful revenges *crosses fingers, touches wood, does whatever arcane rituals are required*) However, logic tends to be on the losing side at three-thirty in the morning. And what's more, logic is now sitting there smugly saying "well, you're bound to have the odd nightmare" which isn't exactly making me in the mood for sleep.
It's ok, I've nearly forgotten what it's like not to fight for it. Now I'm apparently fighting against it too. Joy.
I'm hoping after those days have gone past I'll be ok. I know logically I won't. (Or more that I won't ~automatically~ be ok... I (sometimes) have great faith in my ability to deal... and never have I ever totally fallen apart in the past) So yeah, the next ~months~, until spring comes, may be bad. As I said before, already had one nasty moment a couple of days back. Icy wintry weather, and Kris was driving, and stopped the car as close as possible to the doors of Blockbusters for us to go check out the sale. Which he was doing for reasons of coldness, but he had to do a year ago for reasons of me not being able to walk. Anyway, got out of the car, my brain froze, snapped back twelve months and my legs forgot how to walk. And for what felt like forever but was probably less than a second I ws paralysed again. And so it creeps back.
But no, hopefully the main triggers are Christmas and New Year, and after that things will be easier.
I don't think it helps that the other major disease in my life is a chronic one, eczema, where I have to juggle sending myself off for treatment and fighting it, and accepting it as part of my life. (Which may sound silly, but when you decide to fight a disease you have to cast yourself in the role of patient, and sometimes sacrifice getting on with stuff for actively fighting it; when you accept it you may not be trying to beat it, but in another sense you're not letting it beat you, however briefly, because in spite of it being there you're carrying on... depending on the circumstances, both attitudes can be alternatively beneficial or detrimental)
So having lived with the never-go-away eczema my whole life, it's probably not suprising that I can't quite believe the other major illness has left me for good. Even though it has. Even though the underlying cause is still apparently here, but irrelevant. Even though it can no longer do that to me. Even though I'm now typing just to stop myself having to face the prospect of sleep.
Nice long relaxing bath didn't help.
Nice meal with a glass of wine didn't help.
Making myself sick several times over didn't help.
Sedatives didn't help.
Half a bottle of vodka didn't help
(in fact in view of the spellcheck and read-through have the feeling the phrase "duck's back" may be appropriate... it rarely worries me when I drink, only when I drink and it has no affect...)
Typing all this doesn't help.
Still need to work out what to do for this New Years.
Going out risks flashbacks and mayhem.
Staying in risks loneliness and bad things.
Going to my parents may be an option, but they fall usually fall asleep by 10 mixing the worst bits of staying in with no option to grab a last minute taxi.
If I stay in I'm worried what I might do to myself.
If I go out I'm worried what I might do to others,or myself.
Both of these are relatively minor worries. They're not going to happen. However they're about now just grown big enough to venture out into the open instead of being in my head where I usually keep them.
(In my head is also a sensible logical plan to sort everything out. Unfortunately it seems to be currently floating in a bubble that I can't quite burst. Even more unfortunately, I get the feeling that this is the norm, rather than the exception. Maybe I'm not going anywhere after all.)
I think my birthday might be safety. For some reason, when I was in my early 20's, I loved the idea of being 27, with no logical or even emotive grounds to hang that on. Now I might have both. It might be freedom.
Already had one scarily physical flashback. Hopefully after New Year things will be better.
(For anyone interested who doesn't know, spent the first part of last year suffering from a very nasty syndrome that left me unable to move and in constant pain. My abiding memory of last New Year's Eve is sobbing on my bed half an hour before I was supposed to be going out as my joints were always aching and I had these weird swellings appearing everywhere and I was obviously going to die of the lurgy so what the hell was I going to go out and celebrate? My residing memory of New Year's Day was being sat in a chair all day in screaming agony. The day after that was the doctors where they told me that the good new was they recognised it, the bad news was it was kind of nasty, the good news that it would go away by itself, the bad news that I had a couple of months of hell before that happened)
I know logically that it can't come back (it's not that kind of thing... well not unless lightening strikes twice, which I have to mention as I fear Dame Fate and her awful revenges *crosses fingers, touches wood, does whatever arcane rituals are required*) However, logic tends to be on the losing side at three-thirty in the morning. And what's more, logic is now sitting there smugly saying "well, you're bound to have the odd nightmare" which isn't exactly making me in the mood for sleep.
It's ok, I've nearly forgotten what it's like not to fight for it. Now I'm apparently fighting against it too. Joy.
I'm hoping after those days have gone past I'll be ok. I know logically I won't. (Or more that I won't ~automatically~ be ok... I (sometimes) have great faith in my ability to deal... and never have I ever totally fallen apart in the past) So yeah, the next ~months~, until spring comes, may be bad. As I said before, already had one nasty moment a couple of days back. Icy wintry weather, and Kris was driving, and stopped the car as close as possible to the doors of Blockbusters for us to go check out the sale. Which he was doing for reasons of coldness, but he had to do a year ago for reasons of me not being able to walk. Anyway, got out of the car, my brain froze, snapped back twelve months and my legs forgot how to walk. And for what felt like forever but was probably less than a second I ws paralysed again. And so it creeps back.
But no, hopefully the main triggers are Christmas and New Year, and after that things will be easier.
I don't think it helps that the other major disease in my life is a chronic one, eczema, where I have to juggle sending myself off for treatment and fighting it, and accepting it as part of my life. (Which may sound silly, but when you decide to fight a disease you have to cast yourself in the role of patient, and sometimes sacrifice getting on with stuff for actively fighting it; when you accept it you may not be trying to beat it, but in another sense you're not letting it beat you, however briefly, because in spite of it being there you're carrying on... depending on the circumstances, both attitudes can be alternatively beneficial or detrimental)
So having lived with the never-go-away eczema my whole life, it's probably not suprising that I can't quite believe the other major illness has left me for good. Even though it has. Even though the underlying cause is still apparently here, but irrelevant. Even though it can no longer do that to me. Even though I'm now typing just to stop myself having to face the prospect of sleep.
Nice long relaxing bath didn't help.
Nice meal with a glass of wine didn't help.
Making myself sick several times over didn't help.
Sedatives didn't help.
Half a bottle of vodka didn't help
(in fact in view of the spellcheck and read-through have the feeling the phrase "duck's back" may be appropriate... it rarely worries me when I drink, only when I drink and it has no affect...)
Typing all this doesn't help.
Still need to work out what to do for this New Years.
Going out risks flashbacks and mayhem.
Staying in risks loneliness and bad things.
Going to my parents may be an option, but they fall usually fall asleep by 10 mixing the worst bits of staying in with no option to grab a last minute taxi.
If I stay in I'm worried what I might do to myself.
If I go out I'm worried what I might do to others,or myself.
Both of these are relatively minor worries. They're not going to happen. However they're about now just grown big enough to venture out into the open instead of being in my head where I usually keep them.
(In my head is also a sensible logical plan to sort everything out. Unfortunately it seems to be currently floating in a bubble that I can't quite burst. Even more unfortunately, I get the feeling that this is the norm, rather than the exception. Maybe I'm not going anywhere after all.)
I think my birthday might be safety. For some reason, when I was in my early 20's, I loved the idea of being 27, with no logical or even emotive grounds to hang that on. Now I might have both. It might be freedom.