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...says it all, really
June 17th, 2002
Had an absolutely amazing time on Saturday night - was the first time in ages that I've been out and actually felt like me (the only frightening thing was aorking out exactly how long I've not been me for which is probably going back six or 8 months) Spent the night dancing and bouncing round and pouncing on people and having too much energy to stay in one place for long (except for sitting against the wall which was picking up all kinds of delicious vibrations from the dancefloor) As opposed top the last few months where I've gone out and straight away found a place to sit down then had to make myself go and talk to people I knew because I should. And the night went far too quickly and I met the wonderful Dawn and all kinds of people turned up from all over and there was much snogging and laughing and strange games with balloons. And I felt like me again.
And on Sunday night some old friends of ours were back in Leeds for the night and the Phono was fairly quiet but it was wonderful because I got to have a long way-too-long-delayed chat with Spider and she was telling me how she'd been worried about me at Whitby (when I hadn't even realised I was ill) and I was looking so much better. In fact several people told me that. And even when I wasn't dancing or talking to people I felt incredibly chilled and didn't feel like I HAD to be doing anything. And at the end of the night I realised that I'd spent the past few hours simply feeling... happy.
And I know that this doesn't mean everything will suddenly be wonderful and that there will be no more bad days, but I do now think it is going to be ok. And even if things do get a bit rough again, I've made some decisions and some changes that may or may not work out but are definitely worth trying. And I'm not going to forget how I was feeling this weekend because that felt right, it was me being ME, and I can hold onto that. And (although it has been incredibly useful to have somewhere to write the stuff I didn't want to admit to) I can probably get back to filling my live journal with random weirdness and penguin conspiracies instead of sob stories ;-)
Today I've actually been doing stuff instead of making lists about it, such as sorting out returning to work part time instead of full time (still got to hear back officially but sounds like the man from Delmonte, he say yes...) Although I have been somewhat foiled in my usefulthingdoingness by the people at the DSS and their cunning tactic of not actually picking up the phone.
Off now to see which Babylon 5 episode is on (so I can point at Lykeios and call him a sad bastard if he worked it out correctly from a one line synopsis) then off to watch Star Wars so we can actually see it on the big screen before it's too late.
And on Sunday night some old friends of ours were back in Leeds for the night and the Phono was fairly quiet but it was wonderful because I got to have a long way-too-long-delayed chat with Spider and she was telling me how she'd been worried about me at Whitby (when I hadn't even realised I was ill) and I was looking so much better. In fact several people told me that. And even when I wasn't dancing or talking to people I felt incredibly chilled and didn't feel like I HAD to be doing anything. And at the end of the night I realised that I'd spent the past few hours simply feeling... happy.
And I know that this doesn't mean everything will suddenly be wonderful and that there will be no more bad days, but I do now think it is going to be ok. And even if things do get a bit rough again, I've made some decisions and some changes that may or may not work out but are definitely worth trying. And I'm not going to forget how I was feeling this weekend because that felt right, it was me being ME, and I can hold onto that. And (although it has been incredibly useful to have somewhere to write the stuff I didn't want to admit to) I can probably get back to filling my live journal with random weirdness and penguin conspiracies instead of sob stories ;-)
Today I've actually been doing stuff instead of making lists about it, such as sorting out returning to work part time instead of full time (still got to hear back officially but sounds like the man from Delmonte, he say yes...) Although I have been somewhat foiled in my usefulthingdoingness by the people at the DSS and their cunning tactic of not actually picking up the phone.
Off now to see which Babylon 5 episode is on (so I can point at Lykeios and call him a sad bastard if he worked it out correctly from a one line synopsis) then off to watch Star Wars so we can actually see it on the big screen before it's too late.